♦ 24/05/07 - Broken Record

CW: discussions of anxiety, medication and panicky brain

I feel like I'm being slowly gnawed down to nothing by anxiety. I have moments where my brain is quiet and I think I'm okay, and then suddenly something or the other will throw me off I get this godawful sinking feeling in my gut. It's the worst to go from feeling relatively calm to having that dread slowly settle over me. I hate it. I've felt pretty good all day, and I'm not sure if writing about it will do me any good, but here we are.

Everything is suddenly terrifying to me. I've lived with anxiety for most of my life, and there's been moments where I've really considered whether I need to be medicated or not. Sometimes it just sits at a constant, slow simmer. But lately it's been worse than I think it's ever been and now I really wonder if I need to be on some kind of medication. Just to turn off that constant fight, flight, or freeze response I keep having in reaction to pretty mundane things.

In my rational mind, even in the middle of the worst panic, I know that everything is okay. I know that nothing is wrong. I know that even if something were to go wrong, it wouldn't be the end of the world. And that's what frustrates me the most, knowing that nothing is wrong but feeling this way regardless. The only respite I have is sleep; my brain is constantly going off the rails during the day that by the end of the night, I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep with relative ease. Then I wake up and it's a coin toss whether I'll immediately feel that dread settle in or if I'll feel normal.

Today I've felt normal. I've been doing my best to avoid words or subjects that trigger it. It's the only reason why I'm able to write this now, I think.

I don't know what else to say. Hopefully since today started on a good note and there's been minimal anxiety, I'll be on the mend from here on. Who knows.