♦ 24/04/11 - Tired

CW: discussions of anxiety, dissociation, depression, suicide, melodramatic negative brain in general

I dunno if this entry will have any specific focus. I'm just tired. Cramping. Apocalyptic levels of anxiety and dread, but if asked, I wouldn't be able to give any specific reason. It's definitely something I need to see a therapist about, but that's not really within reach right now. My usual coping mechanisms that I use to keep myself distracted aren't working anymore. I'll have brief moments where I feel alright, then I stop and I think too hard and the pit in my stomach sinks in again.

I don't know what's scarier, sitting in that simmering dread or having it get bad enough that it veers into dissociation. The world is scary. People are scary.

I feel sort of aimless at all times. Unsatisfied with my drawing, my writing, my looks, my personality. All of it. Overly cautious about how I'll come across to my friends and loved ones. Cringing at every little thing I do or say.

I don't feel like a real person half the time. I don't really know who or what I am. I know what I like, sort of. I know what my hobbies are, sort of. At least I've got that. But even then it doesn't feel like enough. Do I really like these things or am I just desperate for an identity? I know that's not right, that's just where my brain goes. Wondering if all of that is just a performance.

It's worse knowing how irrational I'm being when I think this way, because it's not like I can just stop or turn it off. I know I shouldn't be depressed, but I am. I know I shouldn't be anxious, but I am.

Part of me regrets writing this and I know another part of me will want to just delete it, if it even gets posted. But that wouldn't be fair. This is my space, whether people read it or not. And I deserve this space, one that isn't stuck within a 280 character limit or tossed into the slop of someone's algorithm. I have a private twitter account that I'll sometimes vaguely wail into but it doesn't really beat a proper outlet like a journal. Plus, sometimes I worry people who follow said account, and while I appreciate them so much, it sometimes takes too much energy to muster up a reply to said concerns when I'm already feeling like shit. Not that I blame them. It just feels less risky here unless people intentionally seek this page out. Which is also fine! But at least here they can get a better read on what headspace I'm in instead of short cryptic rapid-fire tweets that makes people wonder if I should be put on suicide watch.

Whatever, I'm thinking too hard about it.

I need to start doing something. I've got my very first sourdough starter going, it's on day 3 as of writing this. I'm excited. I need to do more, though. Get more serious about my art. Get serious about the comic I'm writing. I just need to do it.

I'm tired. But I'll be okay. I'm safe, I'm loved, and I'll be okay. That's what's important.

Thank you for reading. ♡